What to do if someone dies

A Guide to Jewish Funerals and Mourning Customs

Introduction

When someone close to us dies it is normal for us to experience heightened emotions and stress. At such a time, we may find ourselves called upon to take charge of the affairs of the deceased person, including making arrangements for the funeral. We hope the information which follows will help those who are required to deal with the practicalities of a death by providing guidelines for your assistance.

It is Reform Jewish practice to respect the differences of mourning customs among families and communities. Jewish tradition teaches that death has its allotted place in the cycle of life and Jewish rituals are intended to support us as we deal with death and loss, enabling us to go forward, to life.

Contacting the Synagogue

In the event of a death, you should inform the Synagogue office on 0161 796 6736. If a body needs to be removed urgently out of normal office hours there is information on persons you can contact in the answering service message on the Synagogue telephone.

At the Time of Death

If a death is expected and happens at home or in hospital, the deceased may have been recently attended by a family physician or a hospital doctor, who can issue a document certifying death and stating the cause of death. In certain cases of unexpected death or accidental death, the authorities must be informed and there may be a delay in establishing the cause of death.

Whatever the circumstances, in all cases of death, a medical practitioner who has examined the body of a deceased person must complete a certificate of cause of death.

Registration of Death

Please note that the requirements concerning registration can change and the best source of information is the local Register Office. There is also a useful website here.

It is important to note that no burial (or cremation) may take place unless officially authorised. In all cases where you require advice on legal procedures relating to a death, please consult the Register Office or the Funeral Director.

Jewish Law, Customs and Practices

Who are Mourners?

In Jewish law and tradition one mourns for father, mother, brother, sister, son, daughter, husband or wife. Whereas one may be deeply saddened by the loss of a more distant relative or friend, in such cases one is not classified as a ‘mourner’ on whom Jewish tradition lays certain duties.

Funeral or Cremation

The first one has to do is ascertain is whether the deceased will be buried or cremated. This depends on either the wishes of the deceased or the close family members. Sometimes a person will state in their Will or prior to their death that they wish to be buried or cremated, however the final decision must lie with those who have the legal right to act, usually the next-of-kin or appointed executor of the estate.

Funeral

In the event of a funeral it is important to contact the Synagogue office immediately. If the office is closed, the answering machine will give out-of-hours contact numbers for staff. Having informed the Synagogue, one should then contact the Funeral Director who will make the necessary arrangements to remove the body of the deceased person as soon as possible.

It is important that no time for the funeral is arranged with the Funeral Director without the prior knowledge and agreement of a Rabbi or other person you wish to conduct the funeral.

Be assured that Rabbis will make every effort to fit in with your required timing, but do bear in mind that Rabbis also have other important commitments and so it is essential that the Synagogue is consulted prior to any final arrangements being made or notices being issued.

It is expected that a funeral should take place as soon as possible except in cases where, for example, a mourner has to travel from overseas. No funeral can take place on a Shabbat or Festival or in the case where a funeral is delayed pending the results of a post mortem examination by a pathologist. Some families will be accustomed to following Orthodox Jewish practices. For example, mourners may wish to perform the ritual of keriah, the tearing of garments as a sign of grief and mourning. If you wish to perform this ritual, the funeral officiant will guide you. If you do not wish to perform this or other ritual, please do not feel compelled to do so.

Cremation

The practice of cremating a body is not the Jewish tradition.. Many in the Jewish community regard those who choose cremation as having cut themselves off from Jewish tradition.

In recognizing the right of individuals to exercise responsible personal autonomy, Reform Rabbis generally do not decline requests to officiate at some form of funeral or memorial service for a person who has elected to be cremated. This is not the same as condoning or encouraging cremation as a valid Jewish choice. There is no world-wide consensus view among Reform Rabbis or their congregations regarding cremation.

Having accepted this fact, it is however recognized in Reform Jewish communities and among Reform Rabbis that cremation presents problems over and above the ‘tradition versus freedom of choice’ issue. Among these are:

  1. The terrible tragedy of the Shoah with its images of the cremated and partly-cremated bodies of murdered Jews has affected purely ‘objective’ views of cremation. For Jews to choose this method of disposing of bodies causes genuine anguish and distress to many other Jews.
  2. It is not uncommon for different generations of Jewish families to move from one Jewish ‘denomination’ to another. The phenomenon of a child from a religiously liberal family adopting a more traditionalist position is no less common than a formerly Orthodox Jew moving to a more liberal group. In such cases, conflict can be engendered in a family. For a child to be torn between honouring a parent’s final wish and being asked to perform an action which violates deeply held beliefs and their emotional needs as a mourner creates an agonising dilemma. Many bereaved people also express a heightened sense of loss that there is not a grave to visit.
  3. Cremation raises serious issues relating to energy consumption, environmental damage and pollution. Cremation requires the use of large amounts of energy which contributes to serious problems of human-caused environmental damage. Many crematoria release large volumes of pollutants into the atmosphere as a direct result of the combustion process. These consequences are not in keeping with important Jewish values.

In the event of a request for cremation please contact the Synagogue office. Sha’arei Shalom has good contacts with experienced Funeral Directors who will, if you wish, arrange for the removal of the body and for cremation. There may be a waiting period for a cremation.

Services for Funeral or Cremation

It is helpful to the Rabbi to be introduced to the principal mourners prior to the funeral or memorial service and to be given the full Hebrew name of the deceased, if known. The order of service for both a funeral and a memorial service are similar. The services are relatively brief and consist mainly of psalms and memorial prayers appropriate to the occasion. It is customary to conclude the service with the reciting of the kaddish, which is usually recited by the mourners, but may be led by someone else, including the service leader or Rabbi. Progressive Judaism does not exclude women from reciting kaddish. In the event that the mourners feel unable to lead the recitation of kaddish, then the Rabbi or another elected person will perform the mitzvah. A key part of the service is a hesped (eulogy, a tribute to the deceased) which is usually, but not necessarily, delivered by the Rabbi. It may be delivered by a family member or close friend. In this case, it is recommended that the family give the Rabbi sufficient information that the Rabbi may deliver the eulogy, in the event that family members find the service too emotional and feel unable to speak.

Mourning

Today, many Jews choose not observe all the traditional mourning customs. No-one should feel pressured to do so. However, these customs have proved helpful to many people in coping with grief and loss and mourners should consider following them if it will assist them.

It is the custom to mourn initially for seven days, hence the term ‘sitting shivah’ – shivah meaning ‘seven’. During the seven days the mourners are not expected to leave their home and family and friends visit them, both to comfort them and to recite the morning and evening services. Prayers usually take place in the home of the deceased. If the residence of the deceased or the mourners is not conducive to prayers, the Synagogue premises may be used. The purpose of the shivah is to give comfort and support to mourners. Today, fewer and fewer people are observing the full seven days and the most common custom is for prayers to be recited in the home for one evening.

It is important that the mourners follow practices with which they feel most comfortable. One should not feel pressured by other people’s beliefs as to what is right and wrong.

The custom is to begin the period of shivah on the day of the funeral and conclude on the seventh day, when just one hour of mourning is deemed to be sufficient. In the seven days the Shabbat is counted as one of the days, however no outward mourning rituals are observed and one would, therefore, attend services in the synagogue. No prayer service is held on Saturday evening in the home.

In the event of a death occurring prior to a Jewish festival, providing one can observe shivah for one hour before the festival then the festival cancels the whole seven days. If a funeral takes place during a festival then the shivah is delayed until after the festival. In this event one should consult the Rabbi regarding how many days one observes.

Following the seven days of mourning, there is a further period of mourning, called the sheloshim (meaning ‘thirty’), which includes the seven days, when a form of semi-mourning is observed. In the main, it is not seen as proper for mourners to participate in any form of personal enjoyment, either secular or sacred. Following the death of a parent, a whole year is set aside for the daily recitation of the kaddish. Although it is referred to as a ‘year’, in fact it is only eleven months, and here again, it is customary not to participate in personal enjoyment and entertainment.

House of Mourning

Immediately on returning to the house of mourning one lights a Yahrzeit (memorial) candle and continues to do so for the full seven days. In some communities there is a custom that the mourners partake of a symbolic ‘meal of mourning’ which includes foods which are round in appearance, e.g. hard-boiled eggs, bagels and fish balls. This symbolizes the ‘cycle of life’. The meal is prepared and served by others, not by the mourners themselves.

The practice of visiting mourners, bringing food to a house of mourning and assisting mourners with routine tasks such as shopping or housework is to be commended and encouraged throughout the shivah period.

In the room where prayers are being held, there is a custom to cover any mirrors. Although the origin of this practice may be found in superstition, we advise that families follow it as there are well-founded psychological reasons for doing this. It is not necessary to cover pictures or to move them, or turn them to face the wall. Photographs need not be removed. If possible, a small table should be positioned by the eastern wall. On this table should be placed the lighted yahrzeit (memorial) candle. No blessing is recited. Some families also place two unlit candles (in normal candlesticks) on the same table, which may be lit, or left unlit. If these are lit, it is done just prior to the commencement of the prayers (the origin and significance of this practice is unknown). No blessing is recited.

It is advisable that the door to the house of mourning is both accessible and open. Fixed line telephones should be disconnected for the duration of the prayers and cell phones turned off. The Rabbi, or reader, will provide the necessary prayer books and all present, women included, will be invited to join the service. Reform Jewish practice does not segregate the sexes. At the conclusion of the service the mourners will be invited to recite kaddish. Following this, the mourners should take a (low) seat in a position convenient for those present to pay their respects.

There is no rigid custom regarding refreshments in the house of mourning, other than the Jewish tradition of being hospitable. It should be stressed that such refreshments are usually provided by those who come to comfort the mourners. It is not expected for the mourners to busy themselves in this way.

Attendance at Services

Most Reform Jews do not attend Synagogue on a daily basis. The vast majority, however, will attend services on the Shabbat during the shivah period. At these services, the name of the deceased will be mentioned prior to the recital of the kaddish by the congregation.

Memorials

It is a long-established Jewish practice to erect a memorial at some time following a burial. The time chosen for the placing of the tombstone varies. Most tombstones are put in place from one month after burial to eleven months after burial. A Rabbi, or an experienced lay reader, will conduct a service of consecration for tombstones.

Many former members of the community have been remembered by the placing of a leaf on the Tree of Life in the Synagogue foyer. Please consult the Synagogue office if you would like to have a leaf added to the Tree of Life. It is customary to offer a donation to the Synagogue when a leaf is commissioned.

Yahrzeits

Where a member of Sha’arei Shalom has been bereaved, the Synagogue office will, if requested, notify the member(s) of the Hebrew calendar anniversary of the death (Yahrzeit). Many people follow the practice of attending Shabbat services during the week of the Yahrzeit.